Saturday, May 30, 2015
Chords
Tuning my soul
Fallopian chords
dancing butterflies
O varying love
grasshopping in my stomach
vibrant. I love
you.
Fallopian chords
dancing butterflies
O varying love
grasshopping in my stomach
vibrant. I love
you.
Dreaming Poison
Unhealthy fantasies
Images contradicting reality
but as unrealistically real as may be
I know it to be true
If not in existence today. Perhaps another day.
Images contradicting reality
but as unrealistically real as may be
I know it to be true
If not in existence today. Perhaps another day.
Intimacy
Intimacy is not a feeling.
Feelings come and go.
Feelings change.
Intimacy is an exuberant universe where two minds innovate.
It is eternal.
It is timeless.
It is you and me.
Monday, May 18, 2015
What is your Bride Price? How much are you worth?: The Value of a Nigerian Girl
Little Nigerian girls running around freely in their bright pink,
yellow, orange, green dresses. Until suddenly, someone directs them to get on
their knees and start gathering money. These little girls, not knowing how this
may affect them in the long run, begins scooping up money. People dance
nonchalantly, Stepping over these little girls. Sometimes catching the hem of
their dresses with the soles of their shoes. The excitement and joy that fills
these little girls eyes as they pick up all the money. They gather the money
and transfer it to their moms, aunties, and grandmothers who then use this
money to give change for people to spray even more money. The cycle repeats
until 2 a.m. Or until a new set of little girls come and follow suit. Throughout the night, these same little
girls who are asked to bend over, crawl, and get on their knees are told to
close their legs, pull down their dresses, and stay clean.
These little girls get
pulled to the side as some auntie takes a brush out of her bag to fix their “
messy hair". Auntie tells Amaka to " respect herself", because Amaka is a lady. If Amaka does not respect herself, then no one is going to respect her. Even though self-respect implies respect is determined by self. This idea of respect and virtue is hammered into Amaka's mind. Amaka is told that she needs to always look well-kept. For she is a girl, and girl’s do not get messy. Kene teases her and calls her ugly. He learned at a young age that girls and boys are different. And this difference creates a hierarchy. While he could play, get dirty, fall, and be free; Amaka could not
Amaka is a collection of these little girls.
Now a couple years have passed and these Nigerian girls have
graduated. They now can serve food. Girls competing for how many plates they can balance on one tray or how many
plates they can hold in one hand.
They would eat last and only get small portions. The excitement and joy
that fills these little girls eyes as they serve men and women of all ages and
of course boys. It is a ritual, for if you are not always at service to others,
what good are you ? What is your value as a little girl if not tied to the
worth of another? These home-trained girls, they would grow up to be
well-mannered, tame, and marriageable.
Amaka goes to Auntie Stella's house. For they always went
Auntie Stella and Uncle Emma’s house after church on Sundays. They had a large
house and today they had about 50 mouths to feed. Amaka, of course, went around
asking if everyone is okay and if they needed anything else. Some said yes.
Some said no. Finally, Amaka sat down to eat her own food. But before she could
take a second bite, someone yelled, “ Ahhhmahhhkahhh!”. She turned to see who
is it was and although she recognized his face; she could not remember his
name. So she rushed over and said, “ Yes, Uncle”. The “Uncle” responded,” Can
you please go in the kitchen and get me a knife?”. Amaka excitingly said,
“Yes!” And ran to the kitchen. When she got back to the “Uncle”, he patted her
on the back and said, “ You are such a well-trained girl, and someday a man will
marry you.” Amaka smiled. She loved hearing those words. She heard those words
a lot. Nice girl. Well-trained girl. Well-mannered girl. Marriage.Man. Man.
Man. Man.
Amaka finally got a chance to finish her food. She knew what
was next. Dishes. How she always found herself in someone else’s kitchen doing
dishes by herself is somewhat a mystery. It could be connected why Auntie
Stella always found herself cooking for over 50 people every Sunday. Or why a
random “Uncle” asked Amaka to go get him a fork.
While I am lover of all things Igbo/Nigerian culture. I find
myself questioning the type of messages we send our young girls. Last week I
found myself in a kitchen doing dishes while everyone was eating, talking,
laughing, and watching t.v.. A month ago ( at a baby shower) I found myself asking everyone if they
needed anything else or if I should make a plate for them.
I values hospitality and kindness but it seems the burden
always falls on Nigerian women. We are always performing and serving. We are
taught this message at a young age. A message that young boys never have to
hear. Young boys are allowed to be carefree and young. They are afforded a
childhood that does not consist of rules. Nobody polices how young Nigerian
boys dress or act. Nobody has a talk with young Nigerian boys about what makes
him marriageable.
While Nigerians stress the importance of respect and values,
there is a distinct way that girls are taught about respect and their value. A
Nigerian girl’s worth is always tied to her ability to serve and perform for
others, specifically men.
*Topic shift *
This is why I am not surprised at the amount of memes,
tweets, posts, or videos
ridiculing Nigerian women for being single. To be single, is to be
nothing. To be single, is to be warranted no respect. To be single, is not a
matter of choice but a matter of your ability to please and serve men. To be
single, is to have no home-training. To be single, is to be difficult. To be
single , is to be untamable.
To be single is an omen. If you are single, there is
something intrinsically wrong with you that must be fixed. Or maybe it is to be
Nigerian and woman that makes you wrong. Perhaps, it is only through the
permission of a man that you become virtuous and right.
Many Nigerian men (like many other men within this
patriarchal society) see women as tools to satisfy their wants and needs. Many
Nigerian men do not see Nigerian women as human beings. They have been taught
that a woman is to be at their service 24/7. Many women have internalized this
belief and as such regurgitate the same patriarchal standards that men have
created.
For the past years I have fully embraced being single (
although I have been in a relationship) . Even while in a relationship, I have
spoken to the taboo associated with being single. I am the same person before,
during, and after relationships. Today, I do not shy away from proclaiming that
I am single and proud. Because I am Black, woman, and feminist, many people
attack me for my relationship status. But I have fully embraced it. I find no
shame in being single and I hate that Nigerian women are made to feel bad for
being single.
Nigerian women are not allowed to be happy and single. So I
embrace being happy and single. I embrace not tying my worth to anything but
myself. I exist solely for me and that is hard to fathom when Nigerian women
are not seen as human beings. It is hard for many people to comprehend because
they have internalized that to be Nigerian and women is to be intrinsically
wrong. Because this notion is internalized, many people do not even realize the
ways that they harm Nigerian women with their actions and words. Many Nigerian
men do not realize the hate they have internalized for Nigerian women.
By nature, our existence is wrong or taboo.
This is why from a young age, Nigerian girls are
indoctrinated with ways to make their existence right. This has a great impact on the self-esteem
of Nigerian girls ( young and old).
Another way that I assert my humanity and liberate myself
from what is deemed as “tradition”
and “culture” is by proudly proclaiming that I have no interest in getting
married.
A Nigerian woman not wanting to get married, is unheard of. It is taboo. It is a
curse. What else am I here for? If not to get married? What else am I here for?
If not to satisfy the needs of a man?
At 24, I do not know whether I want to get married. I
am not sure if I want a relationship in the way that society deems acceptable.
What I do know is that I am an autonomous human being full of different
interests and choices. And today,
I choose me. I choose to value myself and determine my self-worth. I choose to
serve and please myself. I choose to exist for myself. I choose myself first.
Always .