Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Freedom

I just wanted to get home tonight
I just wanted to see my son off before he went to bed 
Read him a story to supplement all the lies his school told him about himself 
You're violent . You're dangerous . You're ugly . You're unruly . I needed to remind him of his value and worth .
These days ain't no jobs 
Well there's never quite been enough jobs for a black man like me 
So I struggle everyday 
Trying to live up to the force fed ideals of manhood 
Sometimes I humble myself and go post up on the block . Hoping I can get at least $20 to keep on the lights . Selling CDs was my new hustle . I know you don't think it pays the bills but we have to survive . 
My wife is expecting again and I am not sure I am ready again 
Somehow she's able to hold it all together even when I'm broken down . I hate it. I hate the way she forces herself to survive 
So sometimes I hit her . I yell at her . I blame her for all my shortcomings even when I know it's not her fault.
But no one cares about the black women 
And people damn well don't care about me . 
I was just trying to get home . I was just trying to be a good father.
But today the state wanted to end my life 
Because the function of the state is not to protect me . But to find the most discrete ways to kill me off. 
It could've been anyone .
I'm dead now so I can't send this message 
But maybe someone will hear it .
Maybe there is a God and he'll tell everyone 
It could've been you 
The state kills . In every way 
White supremacy kills . In every single way 
They broke me down and took me into the street . It broke me down and took me into rage . Sometimes my family couldn't even recognize me . But they recognized the pain . We all shared the pain . We all shared the grief . We all inherited the trauma of our ancestors .
All I wanted to do was get home .
All I ever wanted to be is free . 
Maybe this is what freedom looks like .
Death . 
But maybe this will get to someone down there . Maybe someone down there will get it . It could've been anyone . To be black is to never be free . Freedom cannot come from a state that thrives,builds,and profits  off of our deaths . 
All I ever wanted to be was free .

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